Mental Health. Something that we do not discuss enough in general and even less so when talking about infertility.  I put a huge amount of importance on talking through the infertility journey with professionals, not only with the IVF Drs but also with the mental health professionals.  I believe that talking about the reasons as to why you are where you are is key to being able to move forward with your journey in a way that is positive.

There are so many people that need to grieve for the family that they thought they were going to have, but haven't.  This can be for a variety of reasons, could be because they grew up thinking that they were going to have many children, it could be because they compare themselves to others or it could be because they feel that they are a failure as a human being for not being able to create a family easily.  All of these things are very important to discuss and to understand.  There is no right or wrong, but understanding the situation is a great way to move forward.

Couple your mental health with the mental health of egg donors / sperm donors and surrogates and then all of a sudden we can see how many people are involved and why there is a need for professionals.  I had a chat with my great friend Esther Tresser Polanco from www.tressertherapy.com who knows so much about this.  Happy watching.

us02web.zoom.us/rec/share/uP1LJbGh-GRIXInVuV7de4J-I8OmT6a80SBLrPFYyExuM45peofAOdnKkfiS7XhI?startTime=1587834051000

I had a call today with Rich Vaughn from the International Fertility Law Group who has helped nearly 40 intended parents fly to the US to be with their babies since the travel ban came into effect (including a number of parents who weren’t even his clients).  We are all hoping that the lockdown is going to end soon, but we still don’t know about the international travel bans.
 
COVID-19 has had an impact on everyone, everywhere and that includes international intended parents who have a child about to be born in the US.  Most ESTAs and Visas have been cancelled and an application to travel has to be made in one form or another.
 
This is normally done through the US embassy in the country where you live and realistically you should be providing as much “administrative proof” as you can to build the case that the baby is your child even if it is not yet born.  This will include:

• Parentage order if available, or court pleadings or other documents filed even if an order has not been issued yet;
• Letter from attorney;
• Letter from IVF doctor/OB;
• Letters from attorney and doctor should verify this is your child and support the argument that it is in the national interest of the US that you be allowed to travel to the US to care for your child and to be there to take the child from the hospital so that already overburdened healthcare facilities are able to continue providing care during the public health crisis to those most in need.

 
Potentially you will have to answer questions on where you will quarantine, have you been COVID-19 tested, other travel you have had, and whether any Visas of ESTAS you may have had have ever been denied, revoked, suspended, etc.
 
Remember, whilst not ideal, you can make medical decisions by telephone so that part can be done but it is wise to have some form of guardianship documentation in place in case your child is born and you are not there yet.
 
For more information, you can contact Rich Vaughn directly onrich@iflg.net

The lower house of India's parliament has agreed to finally ban commercial surrogacy.  The bill still needs to pass through the upper house but that's by all accounts, a formality.

Thankfully, many international intended parents had already stopped using India as their destination of choice for surrogacy, but, there are some people who are still using it in the hope that they will be grandfathered in and not face any issues after the ban is introduced.

Therefore, I would expect to see the people who were still looking at India now moving through to countries such as the Ukraine and Georgia.  Frankly, I hope that they do as that way they won't get caught up in the ban.  That said, I still would love to see those people looking at Canada as a destination instead!!!

https://www.straitstimes.com/asia/south-asia/indias-move-to-ban-commercial-surrogacy-sends-industry-into-panic?fbclid=IwAR38Yd7E97vH7tFoqvI50yHMLv3qOJzJyj7NdkMo0Q_fFRrzFAf68TZvaVg

This past weekend I was with my children eating apples, and as their baby teeth start to fall out we were cutting them up instead of biting into them to stop the wobbly ones falling out prematurely.  Whilst doing this, I said the phrase "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" which tickled them pink and which got me thinking about doctors and daily things.... 

As with most things in my life it is a spark of a thought that makes the 2 neurons in my head collide / ignite / start to work... and I started to think back through March and the amount of emails that I received about new babies being born around the world to people that I have helped.  So, I went through my trusted excel spreadsheet and sorted by baby birth date and guess what!!!

In the month of March, I received the equivalent of an email a day from people telling me about their babies being born.... yes, during the month of March, a total of 31 babies were born into families that I have helped to navigate the IVF / Surrogacy process.

THAT'S PRETTY COOL!!!!

It hit me this weekend.  What do we do with our embryos that are sitting in the big old nitrogen tank at SDFC?  arghhhhhh another time to make some tough decisions.

When our donor, Jessica, went through the egg retrieval, we retrieved 12 eggs.  Not a huge amount when compared to some others but they were pretty good quality.  Of the 12 eggs they all fertilised and by day 5 we were down to 3 embryos each (with each day that passes it is normal for some embryos to stop developing).  I can't remember the quality but we implanted the best two, they both implanted and grew which is pretty obvious we have our twins ;-)

That means that for the maths gurus out there you know we have 4 that remain frozen.  So, one thing that we need to figure out is, what do we do with those embryos!  We basically have 4 choices:

1. use them and have more children (which I would do if we won the lottery but we haven't.... yet);
2. donate them to someone who is looking for donated embryos;
3. discard them, or basically, just throw them away;
4. let the clinic use them for science.

It's a tough one, we haven't made up our minds and we'll probably procrastinate for yet more time - they can stay frozen for many years more, 7 years and counting!  

BUT the one thing that we do have to do is to update our wills to reflect what our ultimate decision is because if anything were to happen to us then our children would have to make a decision for us and I'm not sure that's fair.

I have been a part of the Men Having Babies www.menhavingbabies.org organisation for a number of years.  It is an organisation that helps intended fathers from all over the US learn about the topic of surrogacy.  In recent years it expanded to Europe and now hosts a conference in Brussels in September and this past week it expanded in to Asia and hosted its first Asian gay men conference (and although the name suggest otherwise, we also had a few lesbian couples who wanted to talk about reciprocal IVF - where one provides the eggs and the other carries the embryo so it isn't discriminatory against same-sex women).

To be in a room of over 350 people all wanting to learn about family building options through surrogacy was amazing (we didn't touch on adoption or coparenting due to the  surrogacy focus).  To see how there are possibilities for others to now think about how to expand their family through a new route is exhilarating but most of all, to be a part of a positive change in society is humbling.

I've been doing educational seminars in Hong Kong since my first joint event with Todd Sears from the OutLeadership team outleadership.com 5 years ago and it is amazing how far things have changed. My great friends, Marty and Bess, who run Rainbow Families of Hong Kong @RainbowFamsHK and I have been friends for an number of years and this weekend Marty and I discussed at length how we continue to see the change in attitudes with increasing acceptance of alternative families around most of Asia.

This to  me was highlighted during the course of the weekend when one of my old clients, who is now a friend, said to me this weekend that his parents didn't accept him for years as a gay man and it was only when he came home with his baby that he became part of his family again.  That made me cry and smile, cry for the pain of being ostracised by people he loved but smile because he is back in his family fold and I had a little teeny part of making that happen.

I was thrilled when the amazing David from My Surrogate Mom asked me to be an expert advice giver on my one top tip for the surrogacy process.  It was very hard to come up with just one tip as they're all so important that I came up with this one.  I figured that the 23 other participants would cover the others and I was write.  Below is the published blog post that he put together.

I love how people within the surrogacy and IVF industry are always so open and helpful when trying to give options to intended parents.

Yesterday was my birthday and a client of mine sent me this testimonial ... she didn't know it was my birthday but it made me so happy to receive it on a special day and it made me feel even more special.  I LOVE what I do, and I spend my every waking hour hoping that I am making a difference, and reading things like this just reinforces to me that I'm doing what i was made to do... so thank you Rachel for making my day even more special (and yes, she gave me permission to a) post this and b) use her name.


"Our surrogate journey from start to finish was such a wonderful experience. We believe that this was all due to the amazing team surrounding us. It takes a huge number of people and organisations to create a surrogate baby - each member of our team was recommended by Richard Westoby.

He was the compass which steered us through from the very beginning to our wonderful ending. Our team consisted of an amazing IVF clinic, a wonderful IVF doctor, a very caring U.S. lawyer, a passionate U.K. lawyer, a supportive, hands on, surrogacy agency and, of course - the most important person - our wonderful surrogate. Without the guidance of Richard we would have had a very different journey.

There were a few hurdles along the way (as there always are) but because we had such a strong, available and consistent team surrounding and cushioning us, each hurdle just became a little jump. Because of this we felt safe and secure with putting our lives, our future and everything we had into the hands of these people. A different team could have lead us to have a totally different, and exponentially more stressful, experience as international surrogacy can be very hard. Especially when you are on the other side of the world.

We have our beautiful baby girl now and she is just 3 weeks old. It is more wonderful than we could ever have imagined and every second of our journey was worth it."

 I seriously don't know where time goes.  

One minute my children are born, the next they are 6!  
One minute I'm writing a book and the next I've sold over 3, 000 copies (if you haven't got a copy then click here https://www.amazon.co.uk/Our-Journey-Couples-Guide-Surrogacy/dp/1494456648 and it's available in 3 languages - yes 3!! with another one in the wings and possibly one being done at the moment - EEEKKKK).
One minute I have time on my hands to do everything I need to do, and now my to-do list transfers over week to week and I see no end in sight.

but do you know what? I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have ever been.  Life has a crazy way of letting you know when you are doing the right thing.  I found my niche when my children were born and it combines my passion for surrogacy with my innate needs to help others and to educate.  Have I got to Maslow's self-actualisation, I don't know but I'm pretty close to the top of that pyramid!!

I haven't had time to write a blog-post in over 18 months (which seems silly as blog-posts should be quick and easy) because I've been using all my time and energy in helping people through their IVF and surrogacy journeys.  Last year I helped over 400 people to start the process from all over the world.  The numbers astound me still.

I am now working full time for the San Diego Fertility Center (www.sdfertility.com) as what was a part-time thing to pass some extra time has become so needed and valued that I travel the world helping others.... 

so apologies for being so bad at blogging... I promise I will write more so watch out -and YEY that to-do list has 1 thing crossed off it for this week... WOOOHOOOO

​As someone who travels the world explaining the surrogacy process, the perks I have earned at the back of the plane mean a lot to me.  Things like lounge access, free seat choice and extra luggage allowance (my book gets heavy when I have over 50 to take with me!) really work to help make travelling easier (not to mention the occasional upgrade!).  So, when we had our children it was an unhappy day when I had to start the whole tier building process again.  I know it is a very first world problem that I had but even still.
 
So, I read with interest an announcement that I saw this week by British Airways (BA) that they are instigating a policy whereby if you are a new parent you can apply for maternity / paternity and adoption leave.  This basically means that your tier status is frozen for a year, which is amazing news for the frequent travellers amongst us.

 
However, as always I kept thinking, why is that surrogacy isn’t included in this policy / benefit?  I know that in my little bubble the topic of surrogacy is mainstream but it highlighted to me that for a lot of people and companies out there it still isn’t.
 
So, the activist in me thought why not, and I decided to write to BA to see if they would include surrogacy in this benefit as well.  To my very pleasant surprise I received an email within 24 hours saying that yes, British Airways would extend this benefit to new parents through surrogacy!

So, I thought that I would post about it as frankly BA have had terrible press recently (admittedly not as bad as United Airlines).  Bag delays and technical problems have caused issues for many clients but when it matters and they’re looking at their policies, frankly I think that BA have reiterated to me why they continue to be at least my favourite airline! 

www.britishairways.com/en-gb/information/about-ba/whats-new/executive-club-improvements